RECORD OF AWAKENINGS

JANUARY 15, 2019

lately it feels like time has been moving faster than
usual. or better said, it feels like evolutions in emotions and sentiments
of mine have been occurring faster than usual, my views and
thoughts becoming more extreme and solidified as time
goes by. to be honest, i don’t know exactly where i am, and there is more than one
way that that statement applies to me. i feel like a pot of scolding water on the verge of boiling
over… so dangerously close to spilling over.. and what that may cause is yet
to be seen and most likely a hazard, to myself and others. i’m afraid of my currently unknown
capacity for pain and misery and anger. each time it gets exponentially worse
and worse. my soul is in deep suffering and dis-belonging. i have done
quite a good job at keeping all of the explosive energy
inside of me but every time… worse and worse. and worse. like a new
channel of emotion inside me opens and more anger and frustration and
sadness fills it. there are no adequate words to describe
the feeling. the wound is so fucking deep, and every day and every
night something twists a knife into the wound deeper and deeper, playing
with the blood and torturing me for… what? for what? to learn a lesson? karma?
why does it have to be this way?, i ask… but i know that the
answer to that question is that, it just has to be this way.

NOVEMBER 15, 2018

disillusionment clouds my senses day after day; the nights
are even worse. i can’t help this feeling that takes over
me — that i live in a world of puppets, so quick to please their
maker and so quick to dedicate their lives to fitting in. somehow, for
them, it is far, far easier to play the game than it is for
me. it seems like everybody has mastered the game while i struggle just to stay on the
board. but no, fuck no, i refuse to do this anymore. soon, i will
no longer play this game, i will no longer sit on the board. this pathetic
fucking game where i am just a pawn, or less. i never
should’ve been here in the first place.
this reality isn’t mine. nothing here feels like it belongs to
me, not even my home. all i have are the strange memories
i’ve attached to places in a reality not made for me. all i have are my never ending
thoughts. nothing in this world has ever held onto me, even with me having clung
to them with all my might. all i have is myself
here... barely. just barely.


SEPTEMBER 13, 2018

i wish i could just hide myself away from any and all who know me. i
wish i could hide myself out of sheer embarrassment
of the person that i am; just an incomplete, pointless, disappointing being who
doesn’t belong even in the slightest. one who is granted nothing but
scraps and the worst and last option of every situation, dealt
the worst hands. it seems i’ve thought my way out of the safe
limits of human thought and into territory that brings emptiness and misery. and
here i thought that thinking this far would create an enlightened
being who was not afraid of the Everything... all it’s done is
create somebody who can no longer function in a life suited only for
those who stay within the safe limits of thought. it created somebody
who craves and craves and desires escape yet fears everything from the
trivialities to the most important aspects of the universe. constantly shying
away. can’t do anything right. don’t want to do anything right.

i can’t even begin to explain to you how difficult it is to live with myself, to
possess this mind. just constant paradoxes and cognitive dissonance
and layer upon layer upon layer of issues that seemingly
cannot be solved without giving up some sort of integrity. not
fair not fair not fair to have to live like this!!!!! it’s
not fucking fair to have to be alive like this. it’s too
late to go back to ever living a simple life, nor would i even
want to. there is no way to think backwards, it’s already done. fate
decided to give me this life full of these non-human feelings and thoughts
and should expect nothing less than self destruction. what more
could you possibly fucking expect - you give me this life
and you want me to keep going? to keep living in this society that i’ve
already figured out and that i hate with all my heart?
you expect me to stay?
you’ve really got another thing coming.


SEPTEMBER 4, 2018

i wish i could distance myself from everybody in this fucking world, as
far away as possible from this poison that is the
human race. i can’t stand anybody that surrounds me, i don’t wanna
hear anymore human’s voices, only about 10 of them or less that i can stand
to be around, but only one voice i truly want to hear every day
and yet i can’t... life is merciless and i will always question why this universe decided
to create humans.. we are a tragic, pathetic story
in the making, and i feel like the only one who sees it. i feel above everybody
else, i feel like the only one who isn’t blind to everything. it’s
a lonely, lonely fucking world to think the way i do and to
know the things that i know.




AUGUST 20, 2018

i just have this terrible fucking feeling that i can’t
get rid of and i’ve never felt it before and it just will not go
away. i feel finished. i feel gone already, i am going
to be gone soon. my spirit cannot handle this weight, this life; i can’t
do it anymore i can’t do this i am fucking miserable. how do i explain
something so unexplainable… i am too jaded, too ready to die. i can’t live in
this discomfort on this earth anymore. i just can’t.




AUGUST 14, 2018

i feel below everybody else in this life. i feel like nothing, like
dust, living in this world. i feel like a fucking idiot, like
everybody and everything is laughing at me, pitying me. just a lone speck of worthless
dust, floating aimlessly, constantly in pain. below everybody else.
not belonging, no purpose, wasting my breath, every day. everybody
is laughing at me. i’m already fucking fading away.




AUGUST 11, 2018

maybe the problem was that i felt i owed something to the world, and
then no matter what i did it just didn't seem like enough.
i would do nothing and consequently i would feel horrible about myself. and
then i started realizing that maybe it wasn't me
that owed this world something, it was the world that owed something to me.
for all the shit i have been through, for everything i felt that
i never imagined it would be possible to feel, maybe the world
owed me some fucking compensation for making me feel like the
loneliest person to ever live.




go back home